“I’m just trying to find myself.”
I said those words many times during my early college years. For the first couple years, I thought finding myself consisted of reading self-help books, deciding on a major and listening to Coldplay while journaling. There were some students who seemed decided and resolved, they knew who they were and what they stood for. Those people intimidated me, I knew it wouldn’t take them long to see me for the lost girl that I was. No matter which veneer I put on, under the surface, I was searching for my identity and drowning in my attempts.
I searched in magazines like Cosmopolitan, who told me I need to play more games in my relationships in order to have the upper hand. Professors told me changing majors would help. Friends told me my arms weren’t fat but I could lose weight in other places.
School was the answer, changing boyfriends was the answer, working out more was the answer, a new beauty product was the answer, the next frat party was the answer, better clothes were the answer…I felt frantic and terminal with every crumb of unsatisfying advice.
There was one confident and resolved young man who didn’t make me feel inferior. Brandon made me feel safe and accepted. It turns out he was the FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes) President (and my future husband). I didn’t know sending him an email would change the course of my life.
I asked Brandon in the email if I could meet with him and ask him questions about his faith. He invited me to FCA that Thursday night, and even though I thought spotlights would shine on me and announce that I was a sinner, I agreed to attend. Brandon spoke about Peter walking on the water and said, “Every time we take our eyes off of Jesus we will find ourselves sinking.”
I knew I was sinking, drowning even. I raised my hand and accepted Christ into my life, even though I didn’t yet understand the extent of that decision. Brandon’s boldness and joy-filled life was what I desired and if he gave credit to Jesus for that, then Jesus was what I wanted.
The weeks and months after my decision, I noticed my dorm room was full of remnants of the old searching girl; checklists of things I needed to change about my appearance, the self-help books full of vague ideas and magazines that wanted me to put on an act rather than be myself. The purging process began, and soon my trash can was full of that trash advice
I thought about Brandon’s sermon and instead of drowning the in the sea of empty advice I decided to focus on Jesus. I’ll never forget opening the Bible and reading Jesus’ words in Luke 9. I was sitting on my bed, completely overwhelmed.
23 And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. 24 For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. 25 For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself?
I began worshiping God with raised hands. My search for “finding myself” was over, it was in losing myself in Christ that I found an identity and purpose that was as certain as my fingerprint.
Although, I’ve never heard the audible voice of God, that day I heard these words in my spirit:
“Let the cross be your compass.”
I didn’t need Cosmopolitan magazine to tell me how to find myself. I didn’t need self-help books to tell me how to find myself. I didn’t need to go to the gym more or play relational games to find myself. In order to find myself I needed to let the cross be my compass. It is in picking up my cross, denying myself and following Jesus that I find a more satisfying life than I could ever imagine.
When did you decide that the world’s advice wasn’t working? I would love to hear your testimonies.
Don’t Settle,
For more on this passage, check out our current sermon series: Living In Denial.
